an unfinished sentence.

I don’t understand. I just can’t understand how your mind works. The question is simple, its just “why?”

You’re indeed always was that girl, the girl who feels like she was born into the world just to taste the never ending defeat. You always feel that you’re that girl. Even thought you’ve worked so hard not to be, even though you have already proved that you are not anymore, even though you might will never be such girl again, but you always feel like that. I guess not even everybody in the world telling you that you’re special can change how you feel about yourself. Well even if so, I will still tell you that you’re special, everyday. Even if you disappear from the universe, I’ll find a way.

Sweetheart, you’re special, even when nobody think so, I will always think so, and nothing can change it. Nobody is born for bad things, not even the most cursed child. A few things that happened in the past might be embarrassing to you, but like I told you “the past can’t be changed”, you can only learn from it, if it’s bad then try to not do it again, if it’s good try to do even better things in the future. The past don’t matter that much, because I believe that the future will always be better, so no matter what happened in your past, none of it can change the fact that you’re special to me.

Can’t you see? There is infinity of better person out there, waiting to be found by someone, well decrease the number of those someones by one, because i'm not gonna look. Because I choose you. You're not letting me go, cause i'm not leaving, i'm staying. I will not fly away, instead I will walk close enough to watch you live your life, but far enough to not be noticed if you don’t want to. Its all your depends on you. If you allow me I will stay with you and try to help you get back up when you stumble. But if you don’t I will keep my distance just to watch you and pray to god to help you in anyway so that you will always get back up when you stumble. I will stay around your path, I will not go to other path. i will try my hardest to live up to all my promises.

What they said is not completely true. Because I think,

 “every end is a new beginning, if those who were ended choose to start over again”

The sentence don’t just stop there, because if those people don’t choose to start over again, the end will only be the end for them, no new start, no rebuilding.

i will one day lead my kingdom to its glorious days once more, maybe not anytime soon, but that day shall come.

yet another attempt to do what i will never be able to do but you always do, being beautiful, not even in writings i can do such a thing, never was my thing, and i think very few can change that.

Exclusion Days

June 12, it’s the first day her time of the month, the bloody battle every woman must go through every month, a time man fear the most for woman become most unpredictable at such time. I feared that we might get into another fight today, and my fear was realized, we did. It was all fine until she asked me to hurt her feelings which I don’t understand why, but she said that so the pain of her time of the month got replaced by heartache, I told her that I can’t, and instead I made her smile, until…she asked me about things that she later got embarrassed about, I don’t understand why, it already happened, and I’m okay with that, it’s not her fault anyway, but she then made a crack on my heart by saying things like she was pushing me away, but I will not go for I already promised that I will stay forever. I we won’t fight too long, it’s not good for both sides. And so I fell asleep sad, the first night accompanied by tears, the first day of exclusion from my own heart and soul.

July 13, had a dream about her, can’t stop thinking about her and just why she did she think that way. In the dream we were still at school, she came over my desk, and we talked about stuff which I don’t remember. What strange is I never sat at that place when was still at school, just a dream anyway, but still a sign, I thought of her so much before I went to sleep. I hope this all get settled in a good way soon, can’t stand the guilt and the pain on both sides.

July 14, had a dream about her again. Came to visit her with a friend of mine, but she wasn’t home, she was at wallstreet. When I texted her she pitied me but wasn’t mad anymore, and said that she had to finish assignment M83 or something soon, cause she didn’t have much time left to do it. I played with her cat, instead of one she had 4, I asked the brother what was the name of the…, I forgot what the color was, let’s just call it the colorless one, he told me it was “unyu”, and then I asked again about the black one, he told me “yang itu udah kotor”. There was the other one which I didn’t ask the name about, but the fur was gold. And then I carry the colorless one, it won’t stop biting my finger, and then I thought it was still supposed to drink milk from its mother. And then I woke up, feeling guilty and sad as I can be.

June 15, didn’t dream about her, so I just forgot the dream. I did try to submit a term and condition to her though, which ended up of us having a skype video call which made me so damn happy because I can see her again. I think she tried to hid some little smile, still can see it, and sparked some happiness in this cold heart, thank you :) I hope she has a safe flight tomorrow, won’t be seeing each other in anyway, except maybe picture, for a long time. I hope she won’t forget me.

July 16, this day I am on top of the wheel of fate. Good things are raining on me,  got accepted on state university, and of course made up with her, even though it’s not straight back to the way it used to be, it’s okay. Things take time to adjust itself, even when going back to the state it used to be, or maybe it takes time because it’s adjusting itself to a better state, let’s hope so. Anyway, today my exclusion from my own heart and soul ends, and I am very grateful of that :)

Memories, Present, and Hopes.

Remember?

When you put butterflies in my belly for the first time?

When I smile because of just how beautiful you were,

And then you smiled back to me?

When I gave you little kisses when the crowd is not looking?

When you always want to put my hand ahead of yours,

And I let you even though it’s uncomfortable for me?

Now...

There’s a silence that kills.

There is a distance so close yet so far that separate us.

There are sleepless night accompanied by tears.

There’s a bridge that is on the verge of collapse.

There are hearts on the brink of discord.

I hope...

I will be able to be a better person, if you still can accept me.

You will understand that no matter what I will always love you.

We can knock down the house and rebuild it, like what we did.

Our kingdom will never end.

i'm sorry things sucks lately, like my writing. Tika, i'm really sorry for what i did.

history doesn't repeat it selves, but the actor lives on.