Kata dan Aksi.

Dewasa ini dialog adalah kemewahan

Untaian kata tak terbatas

Melekat di benak setiap jiwa

Bersahutan antar frekuensi yang sama

Ucapan yang menunggu di depan

Siap terlontar dari tebing ide

Tertahan ikatan pada benak lain

Melalui tali ego dan keraguan

Gagasan, dan pemikiran

Terkurung dalam sangkar putih bersungai merah

Sayap-sayapnya patah terluka

Terenggut kebebasannya oleh tingginya diri

Lalu apa yang membuat kita manusia?

Membuat kita pemeran dalam pementasan ini?

Panggung pementasan berisi jiwa yang bebas

Kami yang tak dapat berucap tidak punya tempat

Sangkar putih itu berdiri di tengah sana

Tinggi di atas, terkurung merah berdarah

Lorong-lorong bersungai merah tak bergemericik

Melempar pandangan kosong terbatas tanpa ide

Dikelilingi menara bungi

Ia diam tak berbisik

Tunduk menyeka senyum dengan kesunyian

Seraya membungkam bicara mereka

Sekejap semua diam

Pasangan mata terpaku kehampaan suasana

Perlahan aksi mulai bicara

Menyayat pita suara yang bergetar

Gerak tersusun membentuk aksi

Memaksa menara tertinggi untuk runtuh

Aliran jatuh dari sangkar putih

Membawa kuasa atas menara-menara putih

Kata-kata memang mewah

Tetapi aksi adalah permata

Tidak sebatas bunyi yang berarti

Tetapi memberi frekuensi bermakna yang menenggelamkan pada rangkaian suara

yang pertama.

Sebuah perbuatan buruk

Suatu kerusakan yang menghias

Cacat tak kasat mata

Yang menipu mata manusia

Dia ada di dalam saat aku di luar

Begitupun aku saat dia di luar

Kita tidak terpisah wadah

Aksiku adalah aksimu

Kita adalah dua

Tapi kita adalah satu

Sepasang hal bertentangan yang bergandengan

Api yang membeku di gurun es

Tidak sekalipun ada di tengah

Terbelenggu atau membelenggu

Tetapi apakah semuanya tidak direncanakan?

Apakah kita terikat rantai atau diikat rantai?

Rantai panas membara menggantung harapan

Memaksa perubahan pada jiwa yang murni

Merubahnya menjadi kelakar gelap menyenangkan

Menyimpan kebusukan di balik canda tawa

Rantai yang berasal dari bara abadi

Api yang berumah di hati

Tak termakan waktu, melawan dimensi

Hingga saat hancurnya tubuh halus itu

Tak terhitung batu delima yang retak

Menghitamkan citra pada tiap kelompok baru

Acuh tak acuh terhadap kata-kata tentangnya

Menikmati kehancuran pemburu dan buruannya

Sempat terlintas gambar perubahan

Sampai ilusi menunjukan identitas aslinya

Kepulihan semu dari penyakit ini

Sekali lagi, kuasanya menjadi kuasaku

Menunggu kedatangan sang penyelamat

Penunjuk jalan ke arah cahaya

Sang penghancur

Membinasakan ilusi tentang cahaya

Dia ada di depan menanti

Sesaat aku meringkuk ketakutan

Waktu yang akan memadamkan bara itu

Aksinya menentukan takdirku

Kebohongan dikalahkan tipu daya

Tetapi apakah dia sang penyelamat?

Ataukah dia sang penghancur?

Ilusi atau  kenyataan?

Para Pengelana

Para pengelana dimensi

Tahunan cahaya hanyalah sekejap mata

Mereka hidup sampai semesta hancur

Tidak abadi, tetapi tidak mati

Terpencar dari dunianya

Mencari jiwa yang kosong

Tanpa pemikiran, tanpa peduli

Menanamkan kembali benih harapan

Berjalan melewati dimensi

Waktu demi waktu, masa demi masa, dunia demi dunia

Sampai peristiwa itu terjadi lagi

Membinasakan dunia yang baru lahir itu

Terbawa mereka ke antariksa

Berkeliaran di luar sana

Berkendara dalam kepadatan materi

Melintas gugusan sebagai  bara berekor

Wujud hanyalah suatu ilusi

Wujud berevolusi, beregenerasi, dan akhirnya mati

Reinkarnasi bukanlah sebuah dongeng

Tetapi bukanlah sebuah kenyataan

Pemikiran adalah sesuatu yang bertahan

Tak berwujud melintasi dimensi dan waktu

Hidup kembali dalam wujud baru di dunia baru

Membawa reinkarnasi kepada kenyataan

Para pengelana dimensi

Memainkan peran tak tergantikan di antara makhluk lain

Bertanya kepada sesamanya

Apakah aku mengenalmu sebelum kita bertemu?

Sang Penyintas

Satu putaran bumi

Hanya satu per sekian satu putaran bumi

Tidak banyak waktu yang dibutuhkan

Dalam sekejap kehadiran itu nyata

Manusia membatasi sesamanya

Tapi tidak bagi mereka yang bukan manusia

Revolusi pemikiran itu biasa bagi kaumnya

Pemikiran kritis manusia tidak lebih dari sekedar pemicu hari bagi-nya

Ya, manusia tumbuh dalam curiga

Ya, manusia tumbuh dengan terduga

Sebuah aksi yang sederhana

Dapat memberi pilihan menghancurkan atau menyelamatkan bagi pelakunya

Tatapan lekat terhadap jendela itu

Membuka lebar pintu pemikiran

Mengungkap keseluruhan emosi dan perasaan

Meretakan tembok yang kokoh, merapuhkan pondasi yang kuat

Tetapi “biasa” bukanlah kelebihan-nya

Bagi mereka yang tidak mengerti

Dia amat sangat mengancam dan menakutkan

Mengerti bukanlah suatu hal yang mungkin bagi lawan-nya

Di balik jendela-nya terdapat sebuah cermin

Tebal tak berujung

Memaksa mereka melihat diri mereka sendiri

Memaksa mereka merasa rendah di hadapan-nya

Ya, manusia takut pada hal yang tidak dimengerti

Ya, manusia akan mengejek hal yang tidak biasa

Membencinya tanpa perlu dipengaruhi

Mempengaruhi mereka yang tidak membenci

Lihatlah ke cermin dan kau akan menemukan dirimu sendiri

Hentikan pemikiran, renungkan getaran

Lihatlah ke cermin dan kau akan menemukan jendelamu berkabut

kabut kelabu menutupi kemurnian cahaya tanpa batas

Dia adalah Aku.

Buku itu sudah ditulis sejak lama

Tetapi buku itu tidak pernah tertulis

Tinta tak kasat mata membasahi halamannya

Mengukir ilusi nyata kehidupan

Lembaran demi lembaran ku jelajahi

Jutaan rangkaian peristiwa terjadi

Seraya datangnya pencerahan

Menyingkap misteri di dalam kegelapan

Sedikit-sedikit mulai terlihat

Wajah di balik topeng kaca

Yang selama ini terlihat jelas

Tapi tidak sepasang matapun melempar lirikan

Dia tidak cerah, dia tidak terang

Dia membuat cahaya lari dengan ketakutan

Bayang-bayang pun meringkuk di keberadaannya

Saat dia diam membisu melihat retak pada mereka yang merasa

Sepasang mata hitam kelam terbuka

Bibirnya tersenyum, lebar mengundang bahagia

Melihat mereka yang terlanjur jatuh

Tanpa sadar akal pergi menjauh

Mata rantai terbelah menjadi dua

Belenggu yang menjadi sahabatnya

Kini merupakan perhiasan

Yang menarik mereka untuk terjun ke dalam

Melesat cepat ke arah mereka

Bagai elang kelaparan yang melihat mangsa

Membawa mereka ke bawah payung kebahagiaan

Di balik hujan butiran keputusasaan

Sesaat mereka berpesta

Merayakan kedatangannya yang menyelamatkan

Mengusir jauh awan kelabu

Menyingkap langit hitam diselimuti awan putih tipis

Pesta yang diwarnai nyanyian dan sanjungan

Berubah menjadi kekacauan yang tertanam

Saat awan putih tipis dilanda kejenuhan

Saat dia sadar akan kemenangan

Aku bukanlah seorang malaikat

Aku bukanlah orang yang baik

Dia adalah Aku

Apakah salah jika Aku memilih jalanku sendiri?

Jum'at, 21 November 2014

Sang surya bangun dari tidurnya

Untaian kata mengawali hari

Percakapan pagi mengundang kesejukan

Merias kelusuhan dengan senyuman kecil

Sang surya memanjat angkasa

Pertanyaan dan jawaban terlontar

Pada sebuah meja ditemani kursi

Dikelilingi manusia yang membatasi ide dan frekuensi

Sang surya sampai di atas langit

Sebuah perjalanan menuju kepulihan

Pilihan yang merusak illusi keseharian

Berhenti sejenak di pertukaran pikiran yang menenggelamkan

Sang surya kembali turun ke bumi

Kepuasan terhadap hiburan memanggil kesunyian sesaat

Keluar dari kemegahan mewah manusia

Menuju kesederhanaan bersama pikiran yang mengerti

Sesaat rembulan sudah mengawasi langit malam

Obrolan kecil menemani langkah kaki

Menuju akhir sebuah putaran bumi

Berpisah untuk menunggu kembalinya suasana yang sama

Hujan.

Rintik air turun dari langit

Terjun bebas menuju bumi

Seraya mengetuk jendela-jendela kaca

Lembut, menggetar kecil udara hampa

Alunan indah mengganti kesunyian

Terayun dari permainan kecil mereka

Terjatuh diantara sesamanya

Lalu meloncat-loncat kecil ke angkasa

Butir-butir itu mengandung keindahan tersendiri

Mereka membawa masa lalu

Mengubah ruangan hampa menjadi kemegahan memori

Mengisi kekosongan dengan emosi yang berekspresi

Menginspirasi munculnya percikan pikiran

Ide, pemikiran, juga gagasan

Semuanya bertabrakan membentuk perpaduan sesaat

Memanggil perubahan yang segera di depan

Namun semua sirna seketika

Sesaat mereka tertidur di bumi

Sampai tiba masa dimana mereka bermain lagi

Memutar waktu dan turun sebagai hujan

???

Hidup itu sulit, jadi jangan dipersulit. Selama ini aku mencari kesenangan, tetapi malah mempersulit diri. Kalau mau senang, ya jangan yang akan memiliki dampak buruk kedepannya. Makanya jangan lihat senangnya saja.

senang itu mudah kok, tidak perlu kerja keras, ataupun keluar uang banyak. Menurutku, senang itu harusnya seperti itu. Bagiku, duduk sendiri di sini, tanpa ada suara bising, tanpa keramaian, hanya ditemani sebuah buku catatan, pulpen, dan suara pilihanku itu sudah sangat menyenangkan.

Yang sulit itu adalah menyenangkan orang lain. Kalau masih sekedar menyenangkan seorang teman, atau orang yang baru kita temui, itu tidak begitu sulit. Karena paling-paling kita harus membantu mereka melakukan sesuatu. Atau sesulit-sulitnya juga hanya sebatas mengorbankan materi yang kita miliki.

Tetapi kalau kita ingin menyenangkan orang yang istimewa, nah, ini baru sangat sulit. Memang mereka orang lain juga bagi kita, termasuk seorang teman mungkin, tapi mereka istimewa.

Yang istimewa itu harus diperlakukan secara istimewa juga. Sulitnya itu di situ, kita harus bekerja keras, mengorbankan materi yang kita miliki, bahkan terkadang sampai harus mengambil materi orang lain. Di situ lah sulitnya.

Makanya, kalau memilih orang yang istimewa jangan sembarangan, agar pengorbanan yang dilakukan tidak sia—sia, dan tidak menjadi dampak buruk di masa depan.

Pertanyaannya adalah : “di sini itu dimana?”

The Shattered Wings Vol.3

            A pulse of dark magic wave blasted the door in. Throwing both The Woman and The Angel back hitting the wall. A figure was standing there just a step away from the hole where there used to be a door. A dark figure with the whole body covered by the robe it was wearing and face hidden by shadow leaving only a pair of glowing red eyes staring at The Woman.

            The Woman stood right away, using her magic unearthing a number of large spiky roots from the earth floor on her right side. But right before The Woman launch those roots at the unkown figure, it immediately raise it’s left hand with palm opened at the woman, releasing another pulse of impurities magic wave at The Woman. The Woman was thrown back hard to the wall behind her, and fall unconsciously.

            “definetely not her” said the unknown figure in a hoarse heavy voice. Seeing The Woman fall unconsciously, The Angel grabbed the knife he had and rushed toward the unknown figure. “must be you then” said the unknown figure followed by a surprisingly fast rush toward The Angel. Shocked by the magic rush that brought the unknown figure right in front of him, his reflex made he swung the knife to slash the unknown figure. But the unknown figure dodged it and took two quick step to get behind The Angel, grabbed him and flew up fast through the roof and to the meadow outside the hut. It dropped the angel on mid air and landed a bit far from the angel.

            The Angel got straight up and threw the knife he was holding to the unknown figure. But before the knife could reach him, he shot the knife with his impurities magic, destroying the knife and then followed by another shot right at The Angel’s heart. The Angel fell down on his knee, hurting, holding his chest where he was shot. He felt pain, but he felt something else too, something strange, like another heart is beating inside him, and then he realized something.

“why don’t you use your magic? Why dont you show me how strong is your magic? Why dont you show me the power that will soon be mine?” said the unknown figure followed by another magic shot to The Angel, this time with a bigger force and power than before. With lightning stroke from his hand, The Angel destroyed the magic projectile the unknown figure shot. “you want magic? I’ll show you magic” said The Angel in a cold angry tone. The unknown figure laughed a bit and said “now that i am sure you have and can still do magic, i will take that magic from you...”

“i am Ukhri, The Crusher. I challenge you into a duel.” The unknown figure introduce itself and challenge The Angel. “an underling?” ask The Angel. “i am Rein, The Thunder Strike. I accept your challenge.” Ukri laughed in his hoarse voice and it slowly turn into a screeching laugh as he turned  into a very tall dark slender creature, with arms so long it almost reach the ground, with another pair of long big arms coming out of his back forming like a wing with its palm. It let out a very loud screeching scream and flew fast towards Rein.

Right infront of Rein he swung both of his large hands to crush him. Rein formed a pair of wings from his lightning magic and move it to cover him from both sides. Ukri’s crushing move was blocked by Rein’s wings. Ukri took a leap back and shot a large impurities magic beam force toward Rein. But Rein’s wings disjointed the magic beam, leaving Rein untouched. “my turn” said Rein.

He formed a lance made out of lightning magic on his left hand. Rushing forward, stabbing and dragging Ukri quite far. After he stopped, he charged lightning magic on both hands. At that moment Ukri tried to swing his left normal hand to hit Rein. But Rein rush up flying dragging Ukri up to the sky with left hand, and after a few moment piercing through him with right hand. While Ukri still floated, Rein charged lightning magic in both hands, combined them and summoned a great thunder, striking Ukri right on the heart, leaving a scorching hole on his chest. Ukri fell down to the ground, hit the ground with face down, and turned back to his previous form.

Rein let himself fall down from the sky and landed on his knee beside Ukri’s dead body. “there’s a reason why they called me The Thunder Strike, you know” said Rein. He got up, after seeing Ukri’s dead body for the last time to make sure he was dead, he ran inside the hut to check on The Woman. He saw The Woman sitting there on the ground leaning his back on the wooden wall of the hut. “are you okay? Im so sorry about your hut, i’ll make you a new one, i promise” said Rein to The Woman in a worry tone. “im okay, dont worry about the hut, im a magic user too remember? A nature magic one. I can make a new one real quick. Anyway, who did you said your name was? Sorry i dont remember, i was too amazed by all your magic while watching you fight from here.”

“oh, right. My name is Rein, and you are?” said Rein.

an entry from a weary soul.

            I am a soul. I am one of billionth, maybe more, of souls exist on this plane. Like any other souls i got my own uniqueness. But here this time i'm not going to talk about it. I'm going to talk about the current time and space that i am at now.

            For as long as i have journeyed in this life, so much has happened to me. Things that taught me other things, things that led to questions, questions that led to question, questions. One of those things were feelings. I have felt so many different things until now. Happy, sad, confusion, anger, lust, greed, and muchmuch more, though i prefer those ugly ones, cause i thought they were the most feelable feelings. One of those ugly feelings is confusion, this one is probably the best, cause it always got me thinking about stuff, such as what am i confused about, why am i confused, what to do to get rid of the confusion. And now that feeling just came back to me.

           

All this time, i’ve been journeying on my life, doing things, feeling things. Sometimes decisive moment happened, decisive moment that made me stop my journey for a while to see how things are, cause when i'm on a journey i tend to not pay any attention to all the things but those which is related to my journey. Those moments made me did a flashback about everything i have done to get there, what made me stop, like this time. I admit it, i went too deep on my last journey, and then end it all came back to me and stop my journey. Wasn't so right, but not everything not right is wrong, still gotta learn something from it.

           

A friendly soul just told me his story, a story about how his recently-started journey is going. The happiness, the confusion, the drumming heartbeat, the will to sacrifice, the small-but-meaningful euphoria. Right after he finished his story i suddenly long to feel those feelings again, to even not know what to feel, to purely smile wihtout any reason. The feelings you feel at the beginning of a new journey where you dont know anything but what the grand gate of your journey predict about how will your journey be.

It just made me think that i might have been just going in circle in my previous journey for too damn long. Im sure i saw some gate out of that journey, but somehow i didn’t get out until i was forced out. Never should’ve done that, never should’ve not use the gate out. But then again who am i to wish to turn back the time and rewrite history. So here i am, in a realization about how i should’ve use that gate out, how i now should start a new journey and not stay too long in that new journey.

Here i am.

I’m gonna start my new journey.

The Shattered Wings Vol.2

            Once again he woke up at the that place, the same hut where he woke after being saved by The Woman. But it was darker than before, there’s barely light inside the hut, only the one glowing from a candle at the top of the drawer table beside the bed he was laying on.

            He sat himself, and try to gain his full consciousness. "Hello?" he shouted trying to figure out whether The Woman is around or not, but there was no answer. So, he walked himself towards the door, wanting to check whether was it dark because it was night or something else. But as he reached the door, he realized something odd. The door handle was tied up to a small vertical gap between the wall of wooden logs with some kind of ivy.

            The Angel tried to use his magic to cut the ivy, but he haven't recovered enough energy yet to use any kind of magic. So he looked around searching for something that can be used to cut the ivy. He found a small knife inside the small drawer table. But as he walked back to the door, the ivy moved untying itself from the door handle and the door was slowly pushed open from the outside. He readied his knife preparing to defend himself from whatever danger might come from outside the hut.

            “Relax, its just me” said The Woman after he saw The Angel with a knife on his right hand. “oh, it’s you. Welcome back. Is it night already?” asked The Angel to The Woman as she walked inside towards a small fire stove in the middle of the hut. “not yet, but im going to lower the tree, so dont go out” said The Woman. “lower the tree? what do you mean? how?” asked The Angel for he didn't understand what the woman said. “well, i'm gonna make the tree bend it’s trunk so the leaf will hide this hut from whatever danger might lurks at night time. And if you ask how, with magic of course, just like when i made the grass that you fell on grow thicker so that you won’t hit the ground too hard” answered The Woman. “well, thank you for that. But, magic? you can do magic? I thought only angels can do magic” said The Angel as he got more confused by the answer of The Woman.

The Woman turned his head to The Angel as if she couldn’t believe how lacked of information about the human world The Angel is, and said “Are you joking or you’ve been living up there for too long? don't you know? about a thousand years ago, at the time when most people still saw angels as godly creature, one of these godly creature flew down to the human world lead by his own curiosity and went to a castle of a kingdom that was under a chaos caused by rampaging rebellion all over the kingdom that has been going for quite a long time. He saw a human queen that was weeping in grief. He asked why was the queen weeping. The queen said that she had just lost his king on the most recent fight against the rebellion. And it wasn’t only her lost, but also the lost of her people. She didn’t know what to do anymore, now that the only person that was capable of leading the kingdom for so long has died. The angel felt sorry about the lost and as the angels knew that his kind were still considered as the embodiment of god’s mercy and forgiveness, he began to think. After quite a short silence, the angel decided to follow his nature. He offered the queen and her people a salvation. And knowledge about magic is one of the salvation given, aside from the angel himself going into the frontline leading the fight back against the rebellion in only one day. But in return...”.

            The Angel suddenly cutted The Woman’s talking and said “but, angel’s magic is a holy type of magic, there is no way human would be able to do dark magic now if the first magic is taught by an angel!”, “hey, im done yet! What a rude attitude you have there!” said The Woman back in a grumpy tone. “oh right, im sorry, ma’am. Please continue” said the angel back. But The Woman didn’t say a word and the look in her eyes told that she was focusing on something else. “well?” said The Angel followed by an immediate respond by motion from The Woman that told The Angel to not say a thing.

            After a few seconds trying to focus too, The Angel finally able to hear what The Woman was also trying to hear more clearly. There was a heavy breathing from behind the door, right outside the hut. And as both of them tried to look outside through the gap between woods that made it a door, the weak glowing light from the candle flashed out something behind it.

A pair of dark red glowing eyes was staring back at them.

The Shattered Wings Vol.1

                There he was, laying on the ground. With his halo shattered, and his wings broken and burned, with only a few beautiful white feather left. Even with so few feather left he believed that he still have hope to fly back up there to rejoin his friends above the seventh sky.

                After thirteen days laying on the ground, staring at the sky, day and night, tears started coming down his face as he realize that it was all just an empty hope. All there was left of his wing’s feathers was gone, fell off his wings while its decaying until there would be nothing but bone.

                but then one day when the rain fell, pass by a traveler on a horse, face covered by shadow that fell from his hood. The horse stopped right before The Angel. “i have no more feather for you to pick, kill me instead, save me from this suffering and empty hope” said The Angel. But instead of ending The Angel’s life, this unknown traveler came down from his horse, helped the angel to stand, and put him on the horse. After that The Traveler proceed to walk and lead his horse with The Angel on it’s back.

               

                After quite a long sleep, The Angel finally awake. Confused by his where about, he tried to stand, but something that seemed to be a small yet gentle hand held him back, “slowly, you don’t to fall to the ground again don’t you?” said a calming voice. The Angel sat and turned his head to the source of voice, he saw nothing but furniture in this small hut.

He rub his eyes thinking that his eyes were still adjusting with the poor lighting inside the hut. Still he saw nothing, but after a few seconds he started to realize something weird, he saw a floating clothes, as if it was being worn by someone. He thought he was still asleep and dreaming, so he said to himself “ah, i must be still asleep, this must be just a dream”. But then the same voice that he heard spoke again from the way where the floating clothes were, it said “no, it’s not a dream. You might think it is, but it’s actually not. But of course, i can only say so if you think this is a dream because you can’t see where my voice is coming from”. The angel sat there in silence, confused. “come outside, i’ll show you” said The Voice again.

The door was opened slowly as if someone was opening it, so The Angel went outside and stood there, on the grass. After his eyes adjusted itself to the shining light from the sun, The Angel looked around. All he saw was a green meadow hill, he walked a few steps ahead trying to see something like a structure far across the forest below the hill he was standing at. Now he can see that structure, although it’s small from where he stood, he was sure that it was quite a big castle, circled by high walls with 3 towers around it, 2 by the gates, the other one behind the castle.

“hey, over here. Stop staring at that ugly castle and look behind you!” shouted the same voice from inside the hut. The Angel was shocked as he was still in admiration of the castle when The Voice talked to him again. He turned facing the hut, it was quite a small hut with a big tree beside it. The leaf of the tree were covering the hut from the light of the sun. “i still can’t see whatever was speaking to me” said The Angel.

And then slowly a figure of a woman appear below the light of the sun, short and small like a little kid. “well? now you believe this is not a dream right?” asked The Woman to The Angel as she saw him staring. “but...how? no, no, i mean...why?” asked The Angel back. “well, i was born like this, no one can see me without...”, “no, not that. I mean, why did you helped me?” cut The Angel as The Woman was talking. “that was rude you know, cutting someone’s talking, especially when it’s a woman! don’t you angels learn manner up there?!” said The Woman in a sulky voice. “my...my apologize ma’am. But i still don't understand why”. “hhhh...you were laying on the ground, under the rain, dying, and i was there, i can help so i helped you. I’m just trying to do nice things, is that wrong?” explained The Woman.

The Angel stood there speechless as he stared the small figure yet now made beautiful by her pure kindness. He still can’t believe that it wasn’t a dream, cause when he was still up at the seventh sky, he sees only war and destruction below that he thought human were all bad and not far different from monsters. But he was relieved that the answer to his question wasn’t because The Woman wanted to wait until his wings grow it’s feathers again and plucked them.

His relief made him remember his wings and wonder why  can’t he even feel whats left of his wings. And then he realized that he now have no wings at all. This realization made him confused and think of every possibility how he lost his wings. As he think he started to lose stability of his own body and fainted on the ground. His last vision was The Woman running towards him with her hands glowing.

And then it’s all black.

an unfinished sentence.

I don’t understand. I just can’t understand how your mind works. The question is simple, its just “why?”

You’re indeed always was that girl, the girl who feels like she was born into the world just to taste the never ending defeat. You always feel that you’re that girl. Even thought you’ve worked so hard not to be, even though you have already proved that you are not anymore, even though you might will never be such girl again, but you always feel like that. I guess not even everybody in the world telling you that you’re special can change how you feel about yourself. Well even if so, I will still tell you that you’re special, everyday. Even if you disappear from the universe, I’ll find a way.

Sweetheart, you’re special, even when nobody think so, I will always think so, and nothing can change it. Nobody is born for bad things, not even the most cursed child. A few things that happened in the past might be embarrassing to you, but like I told you “the past can’t be changed”, you can only learn from it, if it’s bad then try to not do it again, if it’s good try to do even better things in the future. The past don’t matter that much, because I believe that the future will always be better, so no matter what happened in your past, none of it can change the fact that you’re special to me.

Can’t you see? There is infinity of better person out there, waiting to be found by someone, well decrease the number of those someones by one, because i'm not gonna look. Because I choose you. You're not letting me go, cause i'm not leaving, i'm staying. I will not fly away, instead I will walk close enough to watch you live your life, but far enough to not be noticed if you don’t want to. Its all your depends on you. If you allow me I will stay with you and try to help you get back up when you stumble. But if you don’t I will keep my distance just to watch you and pray to god to help you in anyway so that you will always get back up when you stumble. I will stay around your path, I will not go to other path. i will try my hardest to live up to all my promises.

What they said is not completely true. Because I think,

 “every end is a new beginning, if those who were ended choose to start over again”

The sentence don’t just stop there, because if those people don’t choose to start over again, the end will only be the end for them, no new start, no rebuilding.

i will one day lead my kingdom to its glorious days once more, maybe not anytime soon, but that day shall come.

yet another attempt to do what i will never be able to do but you always do, being beautiful, not even in writings i can do such a thing, never was my thing, and i think very few can change that.

Exclusion Days

June 12, it’s the first day her time of the month, the bloody battle every woman must go through every month, a time man fear the most for woman become most unpredictable at such time. I feared that we might get into another fight today, and my fear was realized, we did. It was all fine until she asked me to hurt her feelings which I don’t understand why, but she said that so the pain of her time of the month got replaced by heartache, I told her that I can’t, and instead I made her smile, until…she asked me about things that she later got embarrassed about, I don’t understand why, it already happened, and I’m okay with that, it’s not her fault anyway, but she then made a crack on my heart by saying things like she was pushing me away, but I will not go for I already promised that I will stay forever. I we won’t fight too long, it’s not good for both sides. And so I fell asleep sad, the first night accompanied by tears, the first day of exclusion from my own heart and soul.

July 13, had a dream about her, can’t stop thinking about her and just why she did she think that way. In the dream we were still at school, she came over my desk, and we talked about stuff which I don’t remember. What strange is I never sat at that place when was still at school, just a dream anyway, but still a sign, I thought of her so much before I went to sleep. I hope this all get settled in a good way soon, can’t stand the guilt and the pain on both sides.

July 14, had a dream about her again. Came to visit her with a friend of mine, but she wasn’t home, she was at wallstreet. When I texted her she pitied me but wasn’t mad anymore, and said that she had to finish assignment M83 or something soon, cause she didn’t have much time left to do it. I played with her cat, instead of one she had 4, I asked the brother what was the name of the…, I forgot what the color was, let’s just call it the colorless one, he told me it was “unyu”, and then I asked again about the black one, he told me “yang itu udah kotor”. There was the other one which I didn’t ask the name about, but the fur was gold. And then I carry the colorless one, it won’t stop biting my finger, and then I thought it was still supposed to drink milk from its mother. And then I woke up, feeling guilty and sad as I can be.

June 15, didn’t dream about her, so I just forgot the dream. I did try to submit a term and condition to her though, which ended up of us having a skype video call which made me so damn happy because I can see her again. I think she tried to hid some little smile, still can see it, and sparked some happiness in this cold heart, thank you :) I hope she has a safe flight tomorrow, won’t be seeing each other in anyway, except maybe picture, for a long time. I hope she won’t forget me.

July 16, this day I am on top of the wheel of fate. Good things are raining on me,  got accepted on state university, and of course made up with her, even though it’s not straight back to the way it used to be, it’s okay. Things take time to adjust itself, even when going back to the state it used to be, or maybe it takes time because it’s adjusting itself to a better state, let’s hope so. Anyway, today my exclusion from my own heart and soul ends, and I am very grateful of that :)

Memories, Present, and Hopes.

Remember?

When you put butterflies in my belly for the first time?

When I smile because of just how beautiful you were,

And then you smiled back to me?

When I gave you little kisses when the crowd is not looking?

When you always want to put my hand ahead of yours,

And I let you even though it’s uncomfortable for me?

Now...

There’s a silence that kills.

There is a distance so close yet so far that separate us.

There are sleepless night accompanied by tears.

There’s a bridge that is on the verge of collapse.

There are hearts on the brink of discord.

I hope...

I will be able to be a better person, if you still can accept me.

You will understand that no matter what I will always love you.

We can knock down the house and rebuild it, like what we did.

Our kingdom will never end.

i'm sorry things sucks lately, like my writing. Tika, i'm really sorry for what i did.

history doesn't repeat it selves, but the actor lives on.

I see

I see everything, far and wide.

I try to see the world, but i don’t like what i see.

I see only destruction and catastrophe.

I try to see the society, and again my vision disappoints me.

For what I see mostly is hatred and intolerance.

But maybe i look too far, and too wide.

Maybe i should look closer, and narrower.

I try to see around me, closer and narrower than ever before.

I see something in my close surrounding.

I see a dim light, and the more i see the brighter it gets.

I realize.

That this light is what has brightened my vision all this time.

That this light is what has helped me to see things in a better way, a better perspective.

That this light is what gives me warmth so I can survive this dark and cold world.

That this light is what has taught me about compassion and love.

This time my vision doesn’t disappoint me, this time it gives me joy.

For it helps me notice, it helps me see.

Now i see the light.

Now i see you.

By me, for Kartika Candra Kirana.

The Knight's tale I

                This story will take you back to the age where dragons and magic still rule the earth. Even though this is not the real story, well I make it as a parable version of the real story. So here it goes. 

                I was once a wandering knight, lonely, no master to be served, no place to be settled, and no home for me to go back. One day I was just wandering in the woods near borderville, they said the woods are dark and many dangerous beast lives there, it got me more curious so I ventured deeper into the dark woods. But instead of beast from the darkness I found something. I found a high wall going in circle with a single gate, with something inside it. I know this is not an ordinary place, because there is a lemniscates symbol above the gate, which means this place must be bound to a time magic which prevent it or anyone in it from being affected by time. I tried to look inside and it turned out to be a hut, with a small river goes through the wall to the other side of the wall, a small vegetable farm. It was a simple hut, the roof were covered in hay and looked like a mushroom top, with some black stones spread over the roof.

                “I wonder if there’s anyone inside” I thought. i tried to go in but the gate were tightly shut, so I shouted “hello? Is anyone inside?”. Not even a second after I shouted, a voice from inside the hut answered “who’s there?”. I was expecting no one inside but the voice that answered me was a woman voice, it got me more curious so I answered that voice “im just a wandering knight, ma’am. I mean you no harm, haven’t even use my sword for months, the last time I use it was for cutting tall grass over my journey on a meadow. Sorry I talked too much, I just want to convince you, I really do mean you no harm”. “then why are you here for?” said the voice again. I am already too curious about the source of the voice, so I answered “if you come out, and let me in, and maybe give me some water to drink, I will tell you about how I got here, im so thirsty, please, ma’am”.

                A figure slowly walked out of the hut. It was a woman! I knew it was a woman, but I didn’t expect her to looked like that, I mean who lives in the middle of a dark forest, in a hut, circled by high wall, not to mention it’s gate that was tightly shut but turned out to be an interesting person. And by interesting here I mean like if you see her, hear her voice and talk a bit with her and you will be like “hmmm…I need to know more about this person”.

                “I’ve come out, and here is the water you requested, but I really can’t let you in because of a reason. So now tell me” she said while giving me water in a wooden cup. “well…why can’t you let me in? im not gonna tell you if you won’t let me in” I said while holding the cup of water she gave me. “I really can’t do, the last time I let someone in, that person destroyed my hut” she said. And then I said “well, im not that person, am I? I won’t even try to destroy your house” I said after drinking the water, and I gave the cup back to her. She took back the cup and said “well then, there’s nothing more you can do here, I suppose you should go back to whatever you were doing” turned her back and slowly walking back into the hut. I laughed a little and said “I told you, ma’am. I am just a wandering knight, there was nothing I do, I will be back wandering aimlessly if you are to shoo me away”. She turned against me again and said “there is nothing anyone can do so that I will let you in, you may stay but you will never be able to enter that gate”. I think she felt sorry for me, but she said I may stay, which means I don’t have to go wander aimlessly anymore, so immediately answered “ofcourse! I cannot thank you enough for allowing me to stay here, ma’am. I will build a small post out here where I can rest at night, and shelter my self from the rain and storm”.

She didn’t say anything as if she was waiting for me to say something or ask her something and so I did say “ummm…ma’am, in return of the water and allowing me to stay here I will eternally guard this place from anything that might come and try to do harm to this place. But if I may know, why are you out here alone and surrounded by these high walls?”. She immediately answered as if she was holding these words for thousands of years and someone finally asked her about it “I was once a princess on a great kingdom, but I don’t have the look of a princess, I was more look like a peasant, almost everyone on the kingdom looked down on me even though I was a princess, they started mocking me and making fun of me. Day by day they’re getting meaner on their words, which caused my inner self to develop insecurity and thoughts about how I will never be a real princess like what I was supposed to be. And so ashamed of my self I went into seclusion, here, in this dark forest where I can live alone not anymore disturbed by insecurity and bad thoughts”. I stood there trying to remember those words she just said and rearrange it to what she just said because I was thinking about how to make the post where I will stay while listening, and I am quite a forgetful person. After I manage to remember correctly what she said, which took a complete minute in silence from both person, I said then “well then, I will talk to you too about how you shouldn’t be insecure and having bad thoughts, because I suppose you’re not the person you used to be anymore”. But she said “you just don’t know how ugly I was!”. I immediately answered “but ma’am, we didn’t live in the past, we live the present, no matter how you looked in the past, the present you that is currently talking to me and has given me a place to stay looks like a princess, just without her royal clothes”.

She ran inside, slammed the door, and left me alone outside, I didn’t know what I said wrong but I don’t think it’s a wrong words that got her running, maybe it is flattery that she hasn’t feel for a very long time. Well, anyway I started building my small post and will eternally guard this place from harm. I am no more The Wandering Knight, I am now The Guardian. 

Well that was the first part of the story, about how I become a guardian. There will be some part of the story, cause the story is still going on until now, so please don’t get bored or anything reading it :p

Byee! :D