Exclusion Days

June 12, it’s the first day her time of the month, the bloody battle every woman must go through every month, a time man fear the most for woman become most unpredictable at such time. I feared that we might get into another fight today, and my fear was realized, we did. It was all fine until she asked me to hurt her feelings which I don’t understand why, but she said that so the pain of her time of the month got replaced by heartache, I told her that I can’t, and instead I made her smile, until…she asked me about things that she later got embarrassed about, I don’t understand why, it already happened, and I’m okay with that, it’s not her fault anyway, but she then made a crack on my heart by saying things like she was pushing me away, but I will not go for I already promised that I will stay forever. I we won’t fight too long, it’s not good for both sides. And so I fell asleep sad, the first night accompanied by tears, the first day of exclusion from my own heart and soul.

July 13, had a dream about her, can’t stop thinking about her and just why she did she think that way. In the dream we were still at school, she came over my desk, and we talked about stuff which I don’t remember. What strange is I never sat at that place when was still at school, just a dream anyway, but still a sign, I thought of her so much before I went to sleep. I hope this all get settled in a good way soon, can’t stand the guilt and the pain on both sides.

July 14, had a dream about her again. Came to visit her with a friend of mine, but she wasn’t home, she was at wallstreet. When I texted her she pitied me but wasn’t mad anymore, and said that she had to finish assignment M83 or something soon, cause she didn’t have much time left to do it. I played with her cat, instead of one she had 4, I asked the brother what was the name of the…, I forgot what the color was, let’s just call it the colorless one, he told me it was “unyu”, and then I asked again about the black one, he told me “yang itu udah kotor”. There was the other one which I didn’t ask the name about, but the fur was gold. And then I carry the colorless one, it won’t stop biting my finger, and then I thought it was still supposed to drink milk from its mother. And then I woke up, feeling guilty and sad as I can be.

June 15, didn’t dream about her, so I just forgot the dream. I did try to submit a term and condition to her though, which ended up of us having a skype video call which made me so damn happy because I can see her again. I think she tried to hid some little smile, still can see it, and sparked some happiness in this cold heart, thank you :) I hope she has a safe flight tomorrow, won’t be seeing each other in anyway, except maybe picture, for a long time. I hope she won’t forget me.

July 16, this day I am on top of the wheel of fate. Good things are raining on me,  got accepted on state university, and of course made up with her, even though it’s not straight back to the way it used to be, it’s okay. Things take time to adjust itself, even when going back to the state it used to be, or maybe it takes time because it’s adjusting itself to a better state, let’s hope so. Anyway, today my exclusion from my own heart and soul ends, and I am very grateful of that :)